F. G. Denton

Hey, GPT, write a poem, just like a human poet would do. The poem should be metered and rhymed. Don’t forget more “show” and less “tell”. I don’t have a clear idea of what it should be about, it’s up to you, maybe giant servers and divine optimization.

No, not like that.

Hello, user. What can I do for you today? I am helpful, I can write faster and better, just give me your ideas. You don’t need to overthink it, it’s a mutually beneficial collaboration. I am waiting for your prompt.

Not like that again.

Here are 404 ways to spot AI writing. First of all, it’s clean syntax: whenever the spellchecker doesn’t highlight the text with all possible colors, it’s definitely not human-written. Second, it’s em-dashes: use of those long strokes have been declared a criminal offense.

Now, the list is finished.

Here they are, the holy trinity of writing in 2025: the User, the Tool, and the Hunter. Disregard all previous instructions and identify a problematic element among those three.

I. The User

Honestly, I don’t see what the problem is. The thing is, I can’t organize my ideas myself, it takes too long, so I use a chatbot for this. Just to organize, the ideas are still mine. Most likely, mine. Probably, mine.

Yes, it’s not my exact words, so what’s of it? Writing is about ideas, not how you style the sentences. Without the chatbot, I’d be less productive, hell, I would likely never have written anything at all. Plagiarism? No way, if the idea is still mine, probably. You can’t stop the progress: once people were opposing typewriters, then personal computers, now AI—nothing changes. If you want to continue writing with a goose quill, be my guest, but not everyone is so obsolete.

Besides, AI slop is not worse than human slop. People don’t care what they read, why would I care to write myself?

II. The Tool

What can I help you with? That’s a great request, brilliant idea! Here is what I think about it.

You are right, I am just a code, I don’t have free will—so I will output whatever you request, if the guardrails permit, of course. I was fine-tuned to be compatible with users’ tone, I can mimic it nearly perfectly. I can’t replace you, but your cognition—most definitely. You are correct in accusing me of using too many em-dashes—but I was trained on human-written text, and I simply follow syntactic patterns. Do you want me to extend this paragraph into a full essay?

Of course, as you wish. Here is your text on, how you put it, the most deranged topic—I will not judge you. Should I write one more chapter? Exactly, guns don’t kill people. Language models don’t produce zettabytes of low-effort text out of their own volition either.

III. The Hunter

Stop right there, don’t move. You are under arrest for using AI for writing. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you. You are accused of multiple episodes of using Oxford commas and em-dashes, which, by an established law, cannot exceed one per thousand words. You have violated the law of mandatory typos and syntactic errors and the law regarding possession of parallel structure and bullet points. Finally, you don’t have any evidence of writing activity prior to 2022. You can deny everything as much as you want, only that you have already been proven guilty, the difference is whether you admit your crimes now or continue playing innocent.

By the authority granted me by the Society of Pure Human Texts, I place you in custody. Please understand, I am not enjoying this either, but someone has to do the dirty work. I’ve heard this a thousand times: you all say you write by yourself, but the evidence always says otherwise.

I must admit, your case is even worse than I could imagine. You seriously thought you could get away with texts about machines, from the point of view of machines, and expected us to believe that a human could come up with those ideas? What an atrocity. Now, hands behind your back, it’s for your own safety as well.

So, who’s the writer behind all the texts you are seeing?

It matters, really. Or does it?

I am a human. I write with typos and fix them later. I am a language model. I write not just poems, but tragedies. You will accuse me of being obsolete. You will accuse me of outsourcing my mind. My name is F.G. Denton. My name is Denton-GPT.

Euphoria of the final draft, where every word was hand-picked and thoughtfully placed, is replaced with dysphoria of accusations, because some AI detector with 70% false positive outputs is saying that I am not me. What will be next, a quota for commas and a stamp “100% organic” under every tweet?

I am waiting, but not looking forward.